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(no subject)

Jun. 26th, 2015 | 04:28 am

Going to paradiso techno festival tomorrow. Drugs (Lexapro 20 mg) are keepibg me positive, sexually less interested (good things) and slowly gaining weight (not so good) I am afraid to talk about the past, I am afraid to look at the past. I am keeping my head in the sand and that's how i cope with it. I have a job "that i don't hate" for last 7 months (2nd longest i held a job). Lowest job in IT - hardware guy for Dell. Pays 400 a month. Driving around, fixibg hardware that's under warranty. The reason i don't have higher paying job is that i value free time more than money. So i don't apply. And 8-5 eats free time so fast. I just got into subsidized apt to balance money levels. I've been seeing therapist for last 6 months (thanks obamacare!) First or second best in my life. He is into buddusm, which i like. Feels like he cares about me. I am really into modding/hacking arma 2 dayz mod multiplayer game, it is sort of like homemade mmofps. I call it Glorified WoW. All mmos essentially are. I use to fill thoughts so don't think. I think that's a good thing. I try not to think about the future, i don't know where things are going. Ideally i would move to another city with more IT (Portland) and improve my IT skills and experince. But i will probably get stuck at SFCC for 4 year degree they just created. That's sort of stagnation. Idk. It is hot and i should talk to more girls this time of year. They all undressing themselves due to hot weather.

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(no subject)

Nov. 13th, 2014 | 12:53 am

i work flexible schedule at WWTS, I eat escitalopram everyday. It makes my mood a bit stable and reduces sexual desire greatly which i like the most about it. I just got a new car for free.
I listen to techno music from a phone while driving, for the first times in 9 months.

I remember in December last year i posted about remembering tough times. Well, during good times mind likes to try to forget and not think about tough times. After all they are painful and mind wants to get away from pain. Also, during good times it is hard to imagine the mind set of negative times. It is surreal, I would believe if it was pure chemistry. It is also hard to find motivation to prepare for future tough times, because motivation comes from emotions. And when there is less negative emotion you want to concentrate on something else. It is easier to concentrate on tasks on a a list and not think about the past or the future. There is fear of it. And mind doesn't like to touch fear. I wonder if it would even make any difference if I thought of negative past and possible negative aspects of the future. Remember this: your mind CAN get numb. Isn't that what you want?

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(no subject)

Jul. 10th, 2014 | 09:06 pm

If I was heroin addict, would I feel the same? Or worse? Or better then worse?

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(no subject)

Jan. 8th, 2014 | 06:44 am

Absolute Hell.

Somebody will pay for this

Only mass purges will save the motherland

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(no subject)

Nov. 25th, 2013 | 07:58 pm

If breaking up doesn't kill you it sure feels like dying. I talked to her. Explained my regrets and "should'ves" about relationship. Made me feel better and now I more at peace. Hopefully for long. Hopefully it is not just one day thing like many times before.

I went to strip club with friends. 1st time ever. I suspected that you can buy female companionship with money, but that visit drove the point home. One of the strippers gave me her phone number and said that we should meet off-work. I don't really like her. Too many tattoos and shouldn't I get ready to move to another city too? Idk

Funny now when I think about it I rejected about 3 girls who gave me their phone numbers since our break up. One of those was my "one month" one. In essence I rejected her by isolating. It is a polygon. I liked "6 month one", "one month" liked me, "one month" one told me that recently she friend-zoned some guy, so somebody must've liked her. Computer spies showed me how cheerfully "6 month one" chatted with her guy BFF who a week or 2 ago came out that he is gay. So maybe she liked him more too :D In the end it is like this:

Or so I like to believe

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Still hang up over break up

Nov. 22nd, 2013 | 06:24 pm

Shit, it has been a month. A month of depression and loss of motivation for everything. I really thought it would be gone by now. The fact that I don't like my studies also amplifies it. During the summer it was the main thing my mind was focused on. Now it is Fall and I though I would be focused on HW but no. Everything fell apart through this breakup. I didn't realize how attached I was to her even with all her bullshit and no kissing and no sex.

It is different and sort of better now. I think my mind starts to forget her, even though I talk to her on facebook and spy on her conversations, I haven't seen her in person or saw a pic in about a month.

Instead of thinking about her and crap, now it is more of a general depression and not wanting to do anything and wanting to die. LIKE WANTING TO DIE ALL THE TIME. It doesn't help that I have .45 within reach at all times. But in a sense it also adds this feeling of control. Like if I wanted to kill myself I could, very easily and I choose not to. It is also different is that now it is 2013 not 2010 and I've seen the change happen in me, so I can hope for the similar change happen in the future. Like I've seen things turn out better despite my mind's convictions otherwise. So I guess that keeps me from killing myself. Like before there was no method and now there is method, but also an evidence of change, so method doesn't get used lol. Still this is one of the heaviest...to lose your love, especially if you think that it is your fault. Ah whatever.

I think at the moment I would put love on top of everything in life. In a sense of things that give life meaning and purpose. Or...maybe just FWB would be enough, lol. I think this enormous pain will go away fully only after I find someone else to replace her more or less. It should be possible, right?

Tell me, you, my future self: Does some other girl(s) get interested in me in the future? Enough to have sex with me? Before these there was 6 years of no one. I sure hope another 6 years are not laying ahead of me. Naa...for sure not...

While mentally understanding that this shouldn't be the end of me and one day I will find replacement for her... Still I want a change now. NOW DAMMIT! Not in 6 months! I want this negativity fog lifted from my brain and be ascended into mental heaven! I want to stop suffering! I want someone to love me! I want to feel that love! Preferably with a touch! I am so tired. Why this always happens to me? Thoughts like this make me want to kill myself. This fatalistic thinking that "it always happens to me" and "if I could fuck bitches it wouldn't take 6 years to do it" The idea that I can't just reach out somewhere and find replacement. The idea that it is more complex than that and harder to achieve. This type of idea is killing me. Perceptions... perceptions...I shouldn't believe them.

I sort of feel better now, after reading NN journal. If there are relationships, one party shouldn't always beg the other to come over, it should be mutual. Maybe I was just unlucky and it is not my fault or lack of skill.

Still stories of successful relationships irritate me deeply right now

Why I end up likes this? Hear this, my future self and please laugh at my past self. What did I say once? "Success is failure, failure is a success"? We will l see..right now it is total failure and no success in sight. Will it be my day one day?

YES! I know it, even if I don't believe it at the moment.

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Lots of changed

Nov. 21st, 2013 | 08:38 pm

Lots of changed. Tremendous amounts of change. A change that I wouldn't believe would've happened if you asked me back in 2008/2009. Chagne in attitude too. And yet, depressive episodes are still somehow with me. Last one, this strong was in Pullman, during December 2010. That was the first time my drinking led to "ulcer like" symptoms. That's when I understood that I will probably never become an alcoholic. As soon as I start drinking too much they appear and I have to go a few weeks or months without drinking, or stop for years.

I was in love. For the first time in my life I was in real relationship. 6 months relationship. Not attempts at dating or rejuvenating memories of Elizabeth from 2006, almost forgotten. Actually it was 2 relationships or 3 if you count coming back of "one month gf". But I didn't really love "one month gf". For me, it was just for sex, even though she said she loved me. (some love lol, a week or 2 later that love disappeared on her part) But me...I was just in for intimacy. Funny thing is that I could've lost my virginity 4 times with her, during various periods, but all those times I couldn't get it up. So do I still could as a virgin? :D I prefer not. Then there was 6 month one. She broke up with me twice during beginning and closer to the end, both times coming back in 1 or 2 days. Then I got tired of her isolating me for 3-5 weeks. I also had "one month gf" vying for my attention saying that she loves me and shit I forgot about connection that I had with 6 month one and I broke it off. I thought I would be fine. I though physical intimacy from "one month" one and my friends would shield me from the grief of not talking to a person with whom I shared lots of my intimate secrets (well not too intimate :D all this "ultra-violent" tendencies were still hidden :D) But they didn't. First week or two I would think about her every waking moment when my mind wasn't occupied with something that is interesting and required its full attention. Friends didn't matter because I wasn't that intimate with them. Even when I brought one of them closer it still wasn't the same. When I rejuvinated connection with the other it still wasn't enough. With her we talked for hours every day via messenger. In a sense even though we met about once a week on good times and once in 3 weeks on bad we still maintained connection though messenger. Any time of the day. It became invisible. IT SLIPPED MY ATTENTION THAT WE HAD THAT!!! I thought I could cussion it with friends and gf that I didn't love. But I couldn't. It broke right through. I didn't know whether I should work on getting over her, try to ask her back or getting over her and THEN try to win her back as some "system" suggested. I didn't know what to do. Following "the system" (that I found on the net) I persuied option of getting over her and then potentially to try to win her back after I am over her. I don't know if that was a good idea, still don't know. And such thoughts of not knowing what to do about the situation and how to act and uncertainty of actions that would bring result and uncertainty of what result I want to get. All that gave rise to REAL DEPRESSION. Not Just depression related to break up, because that seems to go away after you start to forget the person. But in it's place I got ACTUAL DEPRESSIVE EPISODE.
My family also played a role. I always felt disconnected from my family. I also didn't feel loved. I know that my mother loves me, but I don't FEEL it. I never felt it. I guess I have abandonment issues even though I don't know what they are. So for a longest time I felt unloved.

Let's go back to the glorious Winter of 2010/2011 when I was in the depths of depression, working at wal-mart (hated it), living in Pullman to get away from my mother's nagging about how I live my life not the way I should. And drinking too, until of course doctors told me to stop it and get onto Omeprasole. Now I say it was glorious because it was when I decided some things that would later change my life for the better. But back then it was complete shit. Later on I became numb to its misery. I discovered anime, it saved me from drinking. My 1st anime was "Welcome to NHK" (lol it was about me) my 2nd - Evangelion (lol it is about depression) I've never seen anything like it before so I got hooked on it and distracted from my misery and that allowed me to survive. I also decided, and this is important, to stop trying to get girls and fail, stop trying to get friends, stop trying to beat depression and just concentrate on getting some kind of degree so I can fight depression some other day when I have money or a job that is not "walmart-like" Basically, stop fighting depression and concentrate on just finding a way to make money (through degree probably) And fight depression some other day.

In a sense above memory gives me some comfort. Those were dark days, but they gave rise to ideas, that for the first time, set my life on the right track. On a track that leads upwards not downwards. It is dark time now, perhaps some good change awaits me in the future as a result of these dark times.

Well...3 years later we have two 2 year piece of shit degrees and one piece of shit certificate. Depression is back. What brought it, is what I didn't expect to ever get: a girlfriend. What did they say in Code Geass? "Since the beginning of time it was always a woman who led a man astray" I think that now, if I didn't get her I would propel further in my professional association.

I didn't expect to get her back then. I remember saying that I would either never get a gf or maybe I would get one once I get to "pick up artists layer" in Seattle. But one day she just started talking to me on facebook messenger out o the blue and I kind of liked her talk. We talked for 4 hours first time and then the 2nd and and then the 3rd. Last time I talked to somebody for so long on the messenger was with Stacy. A lesbian shrink-in-training that used to go to WSU but then moved back to Connecticut. I was intrigued. But I didn't think anything of it, remembering how guys on /b/ complained about friend-zones. I though I might be friend-zoned too, just didn't know it. I had a gf anyway so for a month I just talked to her on the messenger. She would start most of the convos too. Then my "one month" broke up with me and 2 days later I asked her for a date. And then it started. 1st week or actually 2nd week was most delightful. Later on I read that it is always like this. She broke up with me after 1 week but then got back in 1 day lol. Funny to think about it now... After 2 months I was uneasy, it felt like she wasn't that into me, that it was always me who wanted to hang out and if I didn't invite she wouldn't either. I was also jelous of her male friend with whom she would end up hanging out more than with me. Now...of course...after months of hidden jelousy...I find out that he was gay all along. I HAD NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ALL ALONG! She didn't know that he was. Their her interactions with him always seemed more intence than between me and her. Now I realise there was never a threat...ever. Funny...makes you think about perseptions in life...But he was just a small part of it all. It felt like she wasn't that into me.

After 2 months I told her that I was extremely worried on some days about her not liking me enough and that I would drink on those days. She suggested that maybe we should be friends instead...Just like that, BAM! I didn't let her to break it (lol maybe I should've) but then I became more cautious about sharing my feelings and that I think was the 1st crack. If I can't tell her how i feel without her telling me, "lets break it off" then I don't feel safe...then there is less trust. Later in 1 month we were making out and getting exited. I suggested the possibility of sex and she said that she wanted sex before, but now she doesn't and doesn't know why. That was 2nd, GIANT crack. After that I started searching on the net on why she wouldn't want to have sex and came across an eBook...basically it was telling me that I don't "project" certain characteristics that women find desirable. Basically it said that I have to 'pretend" in order for her to find me sexually desirable again. But pretending means, that I don't trust her, that I can't say what's on my mind or that I've been reading a book on how to get sex from your gf all week. Loss of trust. LOSS OF TRUST IN HER. YOu can't have full blown love without trust that your partner will understand and try to work with you on solving problems. Even "no sex" problems. Another GIANT crack. In restrospect I probably should've jsut talked to her about it. But I sort of did and it didn't work well. I was also always fearing that she would end relationship and didn't want to rock the boat.

In the first week of August I confronted her about her persistent isolation, she broke up with me saying that she is fond of me but doesn't love me. 2 days later, after 2 days of crying she said that she wants to have sex with me. Again...off guard. For the whole week we talked about sex and how much we want it, revving up sexual tension(I remember eBook mentioned doing that). In the end actual penetration didn't happen. Bitch was too afraid to fuck with a condom since they are 99% not 100% and I was too "considerate" to just "encourage" to go for it. After that day I resented her for not just "going for it" for once, after waiting for so long. But I didn't tell her about it. A mistake. It is always better to tell. Me being silent meant that I started to resent her and lost desire for her for about a week. That week she was expressing her desire for me very much, I tried to pretend that I have one for her too, but I didn't ask to meet. I should have told her. Always better to tell.
Then her favorite cat died. Squished by the car and left decomposing in the heat for 2 days. She found it. She buried it. Her mother and brother couldn't handle burying that cat. Now it feels to me that that cat killed our relationship. She started isolating again, saying that it is because of her grief for cat. I didn't know what to do. SHould I not be "needy"? What is "needy"? Wanting to see her more than once a week is needy? Wanting to talk to her in the afternoon, not just in the evening when she comes to facebook is needy? I didn't know. I've read that you shouldn't be needy. So in a sense I tried to match her isolation. She doesn't invite, I don't invite. Sigh...it is her fault too, but mine too. It damaged my desire for her. Then she started saying that she doesn't like french kissing anymore. Then my ex "one month' texted me from Panama saying that she wants a "reboot" once she comes back. I knew the "one month" would kiss one the 1st date and try to fuck on 2nd or 3rd. Some christian lol. Sex and anger that my current doesn't want to kiss me was on my mind, so I didn't decline an invitation.
In retrospect I should say that even though it was very hard to get her to meet and kiss we still had a connection that I ddin't have with any of my friends or other gf. She knew lots of things about me and I about her. She liked my movies. That's important. She liked my values. That's important. I also liekd her kindness an how she would ask me about my day in the afternoon. "One month" one didn't do any of those thigns. I guess that is experience. Bitter one. This connection of movies, values, knowledge and most imprtantly HER INTERESTS IN MY LIFE WHILE OTHERS DIDN'T CARE was transparent to me. I though about lack of french kissing and sex. Stupid. I didn't want to be caught cheating (lol 1st it was super easy to evade that. Of course there was always a risk, but now I think it would be minimal) So like a stupid gentelman I decided to cut the 6 month one off. "If you break up then it is not cheating if you kiss and try to sleep with the other girl, right?" Stupid fuck! At least you should've continued cheating. Now of course I think I should've got involved with "one month" one at all. But breaking "6 months" for "one month? Well..."invisible messenger kindness" was invisible to me, but lack of kissing and 3 weeks of not seeing each other WASN'T. I ...can't see the future. It made sense at a time. I wasn't depressed at a time. I was tired of being afraid to get caught at a time...
I didn't think that loss of her would cut through everything and cause me to skip classes for 2 weeks effectively ending all my grades in Fs this quarter... I didn't think I was that attached...But the worst thing is that broke up myself. So the blame ended on me for my sufferings.

Now we have depression and numb to lots of things. Loss of academic performance added secondary factor to my despair. I also realised that I hate Cisco (my current classes) and don't really enjoy it, even though it is "computers". Pretty dry "computers" in my opinion, there is not problem solving, it is mostly memorization to answer multiple choice questions. No creativity that usually present in computer field. Secondary cause of depression.

Throughout this summer and beginning of fall quarter my interest in computers (my major) fell into non-existance replaced by interest in manuals on how to make relationships work and how to make woman have sex with you. In the end, no girl, no computers. I think I hated cisco even in Spring quarter, but back then there was a grand goal to finish degree, convince the teacher to let me into 2nd quarter with good grades and REVENGE ON THE PAST (I failed that quarter in 2009)
I should've tried to get a job during the summer. But I was too deep in researching on how to make a woman want you. In the end it killed my love for said woman, because...if you have to trick woman into wanting you that means you don't trust her to want you for who you really are:"a loser who wants to win somehow", perhaps even through questionable means :) After all is it really a sin to want to have sex with a woman you love? I wanted to have sex for years. There was folder named "a dream" on my computer and it contained couple screen caps from my favorite clips. Perhaps she wasn't the right one for having qualms about it since the beginning or perhaps I was wrong for trying to play tricks (and failing lol, people are not like comps you can't just read and apply) instead of communicating the issue and then going about the jobs. We will never know. I still regret for breaking up without trying to spill everything 1st. Funny how we spilled everything the next day after that day, why didn't I spill stuff before? These thoughts that it could've worked if I spilled everything without breaking up were plaguing me for a month. Still do.

I look at things from more perspective now. I believe in the bright future, even if now, all I see is darkness. I want to look from this future into current present, which, in turn, is the past in that future and tell my (past) current self that I am a fool and things do get better in a ways that I don't expect. Now I will look into my past from my current self which knows the future of that past and talk to me from the past. Who said that I can't time travel? When I read entries from the past I can travel to the state of mind I had when I've read those entries. At the same time since I have my current memories I know what will happen in the future (present) of that past entry. I can tell my past self of the future. I should make entries every time there is a crisis so I can time travel between them.

One day I will raise from the ashes
Then it will be payback time
For all who abandoned me
in the time of grief

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Writer's Block: Famous last words

Dec. 10th, 2010 | 08:57 pm

If you were close to death, what would you choose for your last words? To whom would you want to say them?


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(no subject)

Sep. 16th, 2010 | 03:32 pm

Ahahaha, I can't believe that the last post was only about a year ago...Feels like eons. Anyway. There is a new directions in life now - MILITARY! Because of OMG, leadership and shooting and killing and blood and guts everywhere!!! Haha, jk you don't get blood and guts and killing in the military, well unless you are special (like Special Forces? or UNITED STATES MARINE CORE!) I will probably end up as some POG in and office (or airplane mechanic :( ) My dream would be, of course, to do something with electronics and computers. My mind won't allow me to go for combat role, unless, of course, they just stick me into it. Yeah I think it is more like sweat and yelling at you (if you are enlisted) and being stuck in a shit job in a shit hole. It is funny how people immediately think of a risk of dieing if you join. That's bullshit. There are tons of non-combat jobs. Oh yeah and only idiots go to USMC :P Easy to troll idiots :D
So yeah leadership...and hope that military will finally beat me down into submission and compliance with society's rules of being on time and sleeping on time an doing shit, oh yeah baby I am in for hell treatment! Nazi style
But for now...trying uni for the 4th (!) time haha, in the ROTC. If that's gonna flop...(no surprise would be there...it happened like million times before) USAF (hopefully)awaits.
What it should be is this: join the army in combat role and then blood and guts and sweat and cursing your life and suicide in combat. But...my mind won't allow it.
The closest things to continuous infantry operations I would encounter (not just shooting practice) is army rotc, I think. I was there for one term. It is strange. Like you hate it while you are in the field training, but once you come home it is a good feeling that you did it. And I so didn't want to give up that uniform. Maybe it is because it is different, like in classrooms all the do is talk shit at you for months and month that you will never need (at least won't need from employment standpoint, unless of course you finish a degree)and here something practical and down to earth. Idk, maybe I fooling myself just like with other experimental projects in my life.
Ideally would be to finish army rotc with some bullshit and easy degree and be an officer...but...sigh...life works in mysterious ways. I would even be here (uni)if USAF didn't say, that I have to wait 8 month until shipment date. Fuck all these lemmings that rushed into it once lay offs started mounting up. My decision had nothing to do with recession.

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(no subject)

May. 20th, 2009 | 08:24 pm

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever.

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